Flash Backs

Some times I get struck by the past .. My past .. My childhood .. how was I before and what made me what I am .. why I can't decide If I like vanilla Ice or strawberry, what makes me so wanting to go every where .. what prevented me of becoming a real bad ass .. scaring the bastards off and keeping them from annoying me .. how I became so fund of being alone ..

OH .. there is so much events in my past years especially the first 11 of them .. considering that I started being conscious from about 5 or 6, that leaves the intermediate 5 years ..

Some times I want to blame my father for some stuff he did, some thing he said, some things he didn't say and some things he didn't do

I may be outgoing and open now but what passed .. what I stepped over was so dark - to me - that I erased it intentionally .. I'm not having psychological problems as I know, and I'm okay now .. so I want it to just disappear .. no more flash backs , no more weeping .. no more sad faces alone in my room .. but I guess it's not erasable ..

.................................

" to perfect a language , you must first think in it " This quote have been bugging me since I learned about it .. and I didn't imagine how would it feel .. just till I caught my self thinking in English ..

That when all the Fun began

About Motives

I read some sort of comics that are published Mainly in Japan , Known as "MANGA"

In one of these series at some point .. there was a group of fighters claiming to represent "the power of law" , and another group of three personnel who don't want to join th power of law claimers .. at some point , two new members joined this small group Which Angered the "Enforcement" Group and made them decide to Crush the "Yawaraken" Group .

at some point of the fight , while every one was having his fight .. one of the two new members was saying to his friend " you know this Girl is the most valuable thing in my life .. and that man wants to protect this and that .. Find your self a Motive to fight with these people "

This phrase arose a lot of questions in that persons mind while heading to his target ..

Why does he need to be Stronger ? , Why does he want to win ? , What is his relation to these people ? and what they mean to him ?

Frankly this phrase Urges to extract some answers , these answers form the motives to some thing .. the fuel to reach a goal .. these questions and more seem to be cycling in my mind .. and their answers are capable of motivating an army of Lazy Fat-ass morons , but I can't find the required results ..

My motives seems to be attached to something else than my vehicle , My fuel is Burning in the still phase without transforming the energy to work ..

I'm .. D: