Maybe

Maybe .. because I cared too much , maybe because I loved him too much , maybe because I longed to take him as a high role .. , maybe because I wanted him to understand me before I talk .. maybe these were the reasons I was hurt that much ..

Maybe because when I started to realize .. I found that he doesn't listen .. maybe because I wanted to enjoy an evening with him .. maybe because I wanted to crack jokes with him .. maybe that's why I keep getting dreams of him and I having what I wanted but never got !!

Maybe because I wanted him to trust me .. maybe because I never thought that the day will come that he would make this unforgivable miss-understanding ..

Maybe because I loved too much and cared too much .. I excpected too much .. and that maybe the reason why I was hurt too much

and maybe that's why I got so angry and annoyed that I didn't care much ..

white papers

Regarding that I have lots of thoughts lurking in my head that I want to write about, and in the same time I think ... no that's enough as an intro ..

I recall some info I read two years ago in a book of( Ann Mahony ) entitled ( hand writing and personality - how hand writing reveals what makes people tick ) that who writes on white papers - no printed lines - has the courage to dodge the unknown and explore new stuff and places on the other hand who places lined paper under the white papers as a guide feel insecure ..

The point that I wasn't able to write on the white paper, so I used to write on lined sheets .. this year, just two days ago I consumed my last lined sheet and I was forced to use printing papers (obviously not lined) so I took some of it and went to my college .. and there I found that the hardship I used to find in writing on the white sheets is miraculously gone .. and it's just like any paper

This is among lots of things that happened lately in a clear noticeable way that answered a question I used to ask my self when I was reading that book

If the personality changed will the handwriting correspondingly change to match the new personality ?!!

The Answer came practical and Cristal Clear

Chilling around ? nah ..

Most of the time spent sitting down doing nothing is a pleasant experience, but I came to know that it's not Absolute ..

When I take a day or so chilling around it feels pointless .. things that usually make me have fun and relax, have nothing of that effect without Real World .. I mean work or study or other serious stuff. I have to be pissed off at some problem, stressed by some home work, tired or just finished something .. that way relaxing feels great ..

Like when you go to bed when you are a train wreck who would be satisfied by any Horizontal position, that phase is the most amazing, lovely and deep sleep ever ..

I'm facing my self with this fact, but not in my mother language .. maybe cause it would bee too confronting to read it in Arabic .. It would be as if it's alive

This maybe my way of denial

In the middle of all the winter weather ..... I feel the Heat

Flash Backs

Some times I get struck by the past .. My past .. My childhood .. how was I before and what made me what I am .. why I can't decide If I like vanilla Ice or strawberry, what makes me so wanting to go every where .. what prevented me of becoming a real bad ass .. scaring the bastards off and keeping them from annoying me .. how I became so fund of being alone ..

OH .. there is so much events in my past years especially the first 11 of them .. considering that I started being conscious from about 5 or 6, that leaves the intermediate 5 years ..

Some times I want to blame my father for some stuff he did, some thing he said, some things he didn't say and some things he didn't do

I may be outgoing and open now but what passed .. what I stepped over was so dark - to me - that I erased it intentionally .. I'm not having psychological problems as I know, and I'm okay now .. so I want it to just disappear .. no more flash backs , no more weeping .. no more sad faces alone in my room .. but I guess it's not erasable ..

.................................

" to perfect a language , you must first think in it " This quote have been bugging me since I learned about it .. and I didn't imagine how would it feel .. just till I caught my self thinking in English ..

That when all the Fun began

About Motives

I read some sort of comics that are published Mainly in Japan , Known as "MANGA"

In one of these series at some point .. there was a group of fighters claiming to represent "the power of law" , and another group of three personnel who don't want to join th power of law claimers .. at some point , two new members joined this small group Which Angered the "Enforcement" Group and made them decide to Crush the "Yawaraken" Group .

at some point of the fight , while every one was having his fight .. one of the two new members was saying to his friend " you know this Girl is the most valuable thing in my life .. and that man wants to protect this and that .. Find your self a Motive to fight with these people "

This phrase arose a lot of questions in that persons mind while heading to his target ..

Why does he need to be Stronger ? , Why does he want to win ? , What is his relation to these people ? and what they mean to him ?

Frankly this phrase Urges to extract some answers , these answers form the motives to some thing .. the fuel to reach a goal .. these questions and more seem to be cycling in my mind .. and their answers are capable of motivating an army of Lazy Fat-ass morons , but I can't find the required results ..

My motives seems to be attached to something else than my vehicle , My fuel is Burning in the still phase without transforming the energy to work ..

I'm .. D: